Four Fingers, Almond Eyes and a Guest Appearance on Oprah
20th January 2011
According to a just published extraterrestrial-themed edition of the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society world governments should prepare a co-ordinated action plan in case Earth is contacted by aliens. Contributing scientists argue that a branch of the UN must be given responsibility for "supra-Earth affairs" and formulate a plan for how to deal with extraterrestrials, should they appear.
According to Simon Conway Morris, a professor of evolutionary palaeobiology at Cambridge University, anyone planning for alien contact should prepare for the worst. Evolution on alien worlds, he said, is likely to be Darwinian in nature: "Why should we 'prepare for the worst'? First, if intelligent aliens exist, they will look just like us, and given our far from glorious history, this should give us pause for thought," wrote Morris in the journal's special issue.
Some months back Michio Kaku and Stephen Hawking were saying the same thing, i.e. Watch out, alien life is both highly likely to exist and highly likely to be predatory. This double whammy from leading scientists is thus given more weight by the eminent scientists now calling for a world plan to deal with this potential threat. But hang on a minute, who said 'potential threat?' Why is there no recognisance of the solid evidence that they are here already.
On September 27th 2010 a press conference was held at the National Press Club in Washington, where at least a dozen former high ranking U.S. Air Force personnel, mostly officers who worked on secret projects connected to sensitive nuclear weapons sites, admitted that they were privy to UFO and alien-related incidents that occurred during their time of service. Tens of thousands of reliable witnesses including pilots, policemen, politicians, even astronauts, testify to their witness of this phenomenon. Two US astronauts, Gordon Cooper and Ed Mitchell believe that they are here already. Yet Johnny come lately scientists are preparing for the fact that they probably do exist might contact us and are likely to be dangerous. This news along with Hawking's and Kaku's predictions plus the revelations made at the Press Club should be of world significance as they affect the prospectus of all humanity. Yet each is a very small afterthought in the wake of other events of earth-shattering importance such as celebrity news and developments in popular soaps on TV. In the light of this perhaps we deserve being trodden underfoot by alien visitors with a supremely advanced technology. But let's take a look at the evidence thus far:
In researching my books I have come across well over a hundred distinct types of alien that witnesses report are actually here. There are cat aliens, dog aliens, horse aliens, and even aliens masquerading as Punch and Judy puppets. That is not to mention the strange looks I get from my wife sometimes.
So how do you establish that any alien stories are verifiably true? The answer is of course is you just simply cannot. The simple-minded and of course the downright gullible may believe them but for most they will be curious stories with some entertainment value. Who can blame them, the human imagination is notorious for attention seeking, for vanity, for risk taking, profit making, confabulating and as many 'ingy' things as you can think of. Yes there are the informed few who can filter the true from the false but the mainstream is a hung parliament.
Now it would be quite different if you could get the odd alien to the nearest TV studio and hitch up a TV broadcast to the world. Here you could get a battery of the world's most respected doctors, lawyers, accountants, and most important of all celebrities to attest that what the punter is seeing and hearing is true. Notice I left out scientists, priests and politicians from the verification list, my intention there is only to ensure that the truth police don't pay us a visit. Back to the show: Music, (by that I mean semi- industrial cacophonies masquerading as a beat) flashing lights and disparate volumes of frozen carbon dioxide for atmosphere will attract the young punter or 'future generation' and all will be set to convince the world that we are not alone. An appearance by Russell Brand might ensure that we might as well be, just in case the alien company is boring, and flash bang wallop a commentator or two from Reynard TV, US of A can act as referees for judging the fairness of any arguments an ascendant alien intelligence might for example make in propagating a cull of anyone more sepia toned than arctic pinkish white with blond highlights.
All will be set to convince the world that we are not alone and that human history as we know it is all bunkum.
Will it all work? Not on your nelly. We have forgotten the rent a sceptic brigade, that awesome breed of one arm bandit intelligences, all five of them, that intersperse airways globally as the self appointed guardians of the 'empirical way.' The verification panel with 'Yes' and 'No' boards and straight ahead one way minded pebble lens views for whom there is no up, down or sideways.
Now while all this is being set up. Any friendly mega intelligent alien (it came here past the speed of light barrier after all) would have to stretch a long four finger point and cooperate more indulgently than your pet poodle while being placated, poked, prodded, prompted and questioned. Imagine a group of ants doing that to your average representative of the human flock on ANT-TV. Heavy shoes for stamping and insect repellent would be out for a start. No need for an 'I am a good Alien' tee-shirt slogan on its chest either. If everyone is still there un-zapped and alive and the cameras work, we can take that slogan as implied.
Cameras roll, music, (something like 'Sprach Zarathustra' and the Star Wars theme) credits form and disappear, a pan into close up and there would sit David Frost, Piers Morgan, Oprah, and as a special return cameo Larry King. They'd all be there to see us through the alien's credentials as genuinely inter-galactic.
That's it! We have lift off. The world is about to be changed to its root forever. The truth will not be out there anymore. It would have come to roost in a TV studio where it has always belonged.
Lift off Larry. Lift off Oprah. Let's get the show on the road. Did I say lift off!!! You've got to be joking. You'd be living in cloud cuckoo land if you thought that all this would convince Mr and Mrs, Master and Miss Mainstream Witness out there that what they were seeing was genuine and true. A room full of Popes, Rabbis, Imams, Mahanayake Theras, Grand Ayotollahs or even Arsenal fans would be deemed nothing to the strokes of a simple video pen. A million angst ridden bloggers and commentators with the entire lexicon of the 'f' word leading them and the dexterity of egg noodles and Kentucky fried soaked fingers, will descend on every server of good or bad grace and crash every laptop and PC within the 25,000 mile circumference of the planet. The whole thing would in seconds be deemed mere "Windows'" dressing in the hands of some clever technicians or hackers with the latest precious clutch of transistors and diodes and back up viruses lovingly set on the parody of the gift the Greeks left the Trojans. And who would do the 'deeming?' You've guessed it. It would be there smiling if it could. The kind of smile you would get from your vacuum cleaner when you switched it to blow when you meant suck. Game, set and match. A studio full of our best set human value written on billions of oblong screens of cold and hot light around the globe, its relevance smashed to smithereens.
Cut to the studio control room's editor's suite. A discreet hand reaches forward on the master edit console. A button is pressed down by a fore-finger. The hand has no thumb. The 'ON AIR' sign lights up. A single spotlight blazes on a strange spindly form. Only the most intelligent and gifted humans will see that it is irrelevant to ask the question. Where are you from?